Jokes for Both Sexes

Instruction:

Rules are simple,
Just follow the sign and read on.

If you are brave enough you can read the contents of opposite sex.

(Beware they aren't pleasant!!)

For Males:

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

For Females:
He said . . .. I don't know why you wear a bra; you've Got nothing to put in it.

She said .. . You wear pants don't you?

He said .. . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . That's a good idea - you stand by the Ironing board while I sit on the sofa.

He said . . .. What have you been doing with all the Grocery money I gave you?

She said . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

On a wall in a ladies room . .. "My husband follows Me everywhere"
Written just below it . "I do not"

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the World does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

How does a man show that he is planning for the Future?
He buys two cases of beer .

Why are blonde jokes so short?

So men can remember them.

What is the difference between men and government Bonds?
The bonds mature.

How many men does it take to change a roll of Toilet paper?
We don't know; it has never happened.

What do you call a woman who knows where her Husband is every night?
A widow.

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge And go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in Bed and go to the fridge.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars Have in common?
They're married.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so Beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
But God," the man says , "why did you make her so Dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."